In the land of Sparta...
when babies were born...
the elders would inspect them for defects.
BABY Ah. Are you my mama?
'Cause I'm ready to suckle a teat.
If any imperfections were found...
the baby was rejected.
And if the baby...
was Vietnamese...
Brangelina had first dibs.
Cute, huh?
Behold Leonidas...
Ah-ooh!
...the perfect Spartan.
From an early age...
Leonidas was taught to fight.
Come on, you little shit! Come on!
You can't beat me.
You're never gonna be a Spartan, never.
Take this, Granny!
Aah!
He was tortured, taught to show no pain.
Tell me, Mr. Bond...
what is the account number?
Who the hell is Mr. Bond?
I'm Leonidas.
You're testing my patience, Double-Oh.
But I am not Double-
Oh!
Little Miss Sunshine!
Oh, oh-
Here's a nice one. Oh-
That's right. Yeah.
No, no, no.
Mr. Bond, I'd like you to meet Captain Adorable.
Good boy.
Who's a good boy?
Leonidas was sent into the wild...
to learn how to survive.
He braved the elements...
endured starvation.
No mayo?
This is bullshit!
The beast stalks Leonidas...
red eyes glowing like the fires ofhell.
Man, you've got happy feet.
What you laughin' at, asswipe?
I'm about to shove my happy foot up your ass...
- cracker. - Nice penguin.
Where you going, pussy?
I'm 'bout to make you my bitch, Leonidas.
Lick my snowballs.
Now eat my penguin asshole.
That Taco Bell ain't sittin' right.
Oh, it smells!
Ha! Caught you with your mouth open.
You dead, Leonidas.
Say "Wassup?" To Anna Nicole for me.
Shit! I'm stuck!
Oh, we got a penguin pinned down!
Help! Help!
Oh! My ass!
My ass hurt! Oh!
Why you wanna do me like that?
Come on, man, I could hook you up.
We could work it out.
I'll suck your dick!
And the boy that was cast into the wild...
returned a king!
# Oh! #
#Yeah, yeah #
#Ak' sizzle #
- #The bomb # - # Get down #
# Baby, down, I know you love the sound #
#When we do what we do #
- #We get you in the mood # - #Ak'Sent's in the building #
- # Pick it up, pick it up # - #Yeah #
- # I know you love the feel # - # Come on #
# Let's keep it on the real #
#This... is like the bomb #
- # So fresh # - Whoa!
#The bomb, so dope #
#The bomb, so def #
- #The bomb # - Boobs.
# So cool, the bomb, so fresh #
#The bomb, so dope #
#The bomb #
Sign my rack?
# So cool #
And they're real, too.
Yes!
Marry me?
What's that?
The combination to my chastity belt.
Oh-
Leonidas!
Leonidas was stoked.
He wed Margo, and she bore him a fine son.
And life in the land of Sparta was good.
Yes! Yes! Good!
Thanks, Dad.
Give me your hand.
Remember, Son: A warrior...
must learn to take a hit.
Fight with your head;
think with your heart.
Huh?
Give him the pile driver, honey.
Pile driver?
That's my boy.
My queen.
No!
- Captain. - No!
I see Leonidas is molding our future king of Sparta...
to be a man.
I remember when my father used to beat me.
Traditional rites of passage.
No. My father was an alcoholic.
Ow!
Xerxes' messenger awaits, my king.
Greetings, Leonidas.
Greetings, messenger.
What the hell was that?
What?
You just kissed me!
That is how men of Sparta greet one another.
High fives for the women...
and open-mouth tongue kisses for the men.
Ooh.
I get it.
Get what?
Uh... y-you have a...
"free society" here.
Yes. The freest.
Uh, not that there's anything wrong with that.
I dig big black dudes.
Yeah.
Come, messenger, let us walk.
The great Xerxes has taken over the world...
with his vast Persian army...
and has set his sights on his final conquest-
Sparta.
Let us talk by the giant pit of death.
Okay.
Xerxes is a kind god-king...
and offers these...
peaceful alternatives to war.
No blood will be shed...
as long as you Spartan men build his pyramids...
your women become his sex slaves...
and your children...
work at sweatshops...
making Nikes.
That sounds reasonable.
I'm sure you would...
think so, Councilman Traitoro.
Tell Xerxes...
...to take his proposal...
and shove it!
What the hell?!
What? He came on to me!
I did not.
Dawg, your wife's a ho.
This means war!
Hey, hey, hey, it's cool, it's cool.
Uh, we got San Francisco...
and West Hollywood.
We don't need Sparta.
I'll just tell Xerxes it's a "no go. "
Kick his ass in.
This is madness!
Madness?
This is Sparta!
Why did you do that?
He was backing down.
My lord, he will tell Xerxes that Sparta...
is not for them, so, whatever you do...
don't kick him into the pit of death.
Stop kicking people into the pit of death. Really!
# Oh, no #
# Oh, yeah #
# Uh-huh, yeah. #
I don't know why y'all...
have to always get on my back for everything.
I'm a responsible adult.
Look at me- I'm booby-feeding my baby.
Sometimes I like to give him fried milk.
I call 'em milk poppers.
It's just like breast milk, but it's fried.
And you just pop 'em in your mouth.
He loves 'em. Don't you, baby!
# Goo-goo, gah-gah #
# Gah-gah, gah-gah-gah-gah. #
I'm a smart shopper.
I got this entire outfit in an alleyway from a Mexico woman.
# Bargain #
# Shopping #
#Yeah. #
Why do y'all think I'm messed up?
Shit! Do I look crazy to you?
Oh...
my God!
Aw, damn, cuz!
There goes my palimony!
K- Fed ain't havin' it, yo.
K- Fed, come back to me, please!
Please? I'll let you under my skirt.
There goes K-Fed's cheddar, yo.
# Oh, yeah! #
#Ah-ah-ah, yeah! #
# Ooh-ooh-ooh! #
#Yeah! #
# I'm not gay! #
Leonidas.
Ryan Seacrest?
How did you feel about that kick?
Let's see what the judges have to say.
- Randy? - Yo, Leo, dawg, man...
I, I wasn't really feelin' you on that kick, dawg.
I don't know what happened, man.
It was just all right for me, dawg.
- I mean, just all right, dawg. - Paula?
Leonidas...
you...
move me.
Y-
I don't-
Simon?
Leonidas...
I thought the kick...
was utterly... dreadful.
Oh... Simon-
In fact, I've seen better kicks...
from a geriatric donkey.
Oh-
And I'm not talking about you, Paula.
I am sorry, King...
but your journey ends here.
Oh, go yourselves!
What are y?
Seacrest out!
Excellent work, my king.
It's time to consult with the prophets.
The ancient prophets were advisers to the king.
Grotesque swine, their consult came with a bribe.
Oh. Oh, Oxy 10.
Oh, Neutrogena.
This has an SPF.
Th-This is all-day protection.
Look at this.
Exfoliator with alpha hydroxy.
This is good for you, Glenn.
Rub it all over your disgusting face.
What need you, King Leonidas?
Ancient prophets...
I need your guidance.
I'm assembling an army of 300 to go to war with Persia.
I'm going to take them in the rear.
Here, here.
And then I'm gonna reach around...
...and I'm gonna take them again from the front!
What?!
Why are you sniggering?!
Nothing.
It's- no-nothing-
What's so damn funny?!
Look, it's all there for you to see!
These are battle formations!
Battle form-
That's what he calls them!
It looks like backstage at an Elton John concert!
Cut it out! This isn't funny!
This is serious business!
No Spartan goes to war...
without first consulting...
the oracle!
The prophets chose only the most beautiful...
of Spartan girls to be their oracle.
Oh-
Ugly Betty?
She has a great personality.
Eww!
I look likeJabba the Hutt.
That is hot to me.
Oh-
See-nah skah-nah...
labwana no-cho dame.
"Fo' shizel my nizzel. "
"Save the cheerleader... save the world. "
Actually, I'm, I'm not into Heroes.
"Douche bag says what?"
What?
"Chest waxer says what?"
What?
He walked into that one.
What, what are you saying to me? I don't understand.
Go to war with Persia and you will surely die.
You're screwed, dude.
What?!
He looks like a Ken doll!
It's cold!
Tommy Lee?
Shaq?
Borat?
Oakland Raiders?
Why is my king so restless?
Can't sleep.
It's this whole Battle ofThermopylae thing.
Are you still thinking about what that young oracle said?
There's only one woman whose words you should listen to.
Oprah.
Your wife?
Right, right.
How will I be tried...
in the court of public opinion?
Well, Harry Knowles at "Ain't It Cool News"...
says this movie is just a cheap rip-off of 300.
Even if the oracle doesn't support you, I do.
And Sparta does.
This could be our last night together.
You wanna do it?
Like we've never done it before.
...97... 98...
...99...
100!
Beat my record.
Captain.
My king.
Have you assembled my army who are ready...
to fight to the death for the freedom of Sparta?
Yes, King.
I wanted 300.
This seems like... less.
These were the only men who met with your stringent...
specifications.
"Hunky with deep Mediterranean tans...
"hot bods... "
and, uh...
Yes?
"... well endowed. "
Haawoo! Haawoo!
Haawoo!
Ready to fight for you, my king!
Never give up! Never surrender!
To infinity and beyond!
He has a lot of heart, my king.
And nice man boobs.
Indeed.
These men will do.
You are a fine captain, Captain.
But a better friend... there is none.
Thank you.
Mm-hm.
Damn!
He's got a huge package.
I brought you some fudge. Mom said that you like to pack it.
She's a good woman.
Good-bye, Father.
Farewell, my son.
Introductions?
King Leonidas, this is my son, Sonio.
My king.
Why is he not fighting?
Well, he is not a warrior.
And he's my only son...
destined to carry on my name.
What do you think?
Yummy.
Work it, sister.
I think he's fierce.
# Come and give it 2 me #
#You know you want my body, need my body #
# Show me them goodies... #
And if you don't like it...
you can kiss my fat ass!
Ooh! Oh!
#... Watchin' your curves #
#Thinking of words, baby #
# My vision is blurred... #
Congratulations, Sonio.
You're now on your way to becoming Sparta's...
Next top warrior!
#... right where my mind is #
# Gimme your goody and your body #
# Uh! Come and give it 2 me #
#You know you want my body, need my body #
# Show me them goodies #
#You're gonna love my body, touch my body... #
Spartan!
My child...
I shall never forget you.
You are so small now...
but one day you will grow to be big and strong...
like your father.
That's not your son.
You asshole.
Take care of your mother.
Stay tough, Son.
Come back with your shield...
or on it.
And if I come back on it, I want you to move on.
I would never.
Hell, if you died, I'd play the field.
To be honest...
I've always wanted to do a fat chick.
The men are ready, my king.
Good. We'll head south to the Hot Gates...
where we'll intercept the Persian army.
Where are you going?
The oracle said if we went to war, we'd be screwed.
The oracle also said that our painted-on abs look fake.
But I beg to differ.
Give the order, Captain.
Spartans! In formation!
Ah-ooh!
Spartans heading south.
Move out!
# Oh, no, not I #
# I will survive #
# Oh, as long as I know how to love #
# I know I'll stay alive #
# I've got all my life to live #
# I've got all my love to give #
#And I'll survive #
# I will survive #
# Hey, hey #
Woo!
# I'll survive #
# I will survive #
# I will survive! #
#Yeah #
# Ooh... #
The fearless Spartans...
reached the Hot Gates...
where danger lurked around every corner.
Halt skipping!
Exhausted from thejourney...
the Spartans replenished their electrolytes.
Gatorade. Is it in you?
What do you think, my king?
We'll use the narrow passageway of the Hot Gates...
to funnel the Persians in...
where their vast numbers won't count for shit.
Captain, have the men found any other trails...
that the Persians could use to attack us?
None, sir.
WOMAN I know such a road, my king.
Back off, hideous creature.
There's a secret goat path just above the Hot Gates.
If the Persians found it, they could outflank you.
Slow your roll, Captain.
Reveal yourself, creature.
Paris Hilton?
Hey, fellas.
What happened to you?
Oh. You mean the hump?
Yeah. The hump.
It was all that, "You're going to jail.
"Now you can get out of jail.
Now you're going back to jail. "
And on and on and on and on- Ugh.
It's just been really confusing.
I mean, even Tinkerbell's affected by it.
She hasn't moved since Saturday.
But she still poops, which is weird.
And me...
they've turned me into this, like...
totally grotesque monster!
And I don't even know... oh.
# Do tha hump-de-hump... #
Hang on a minute.
Oh-
Hello?
Oh, hey, Nicole.
Nothing. Just some guys with swords.
No, I'm talking about their actual swords, Nicole.
You're gross.
Yeah, I'm hungry. Did you eat?
Oh, you ate an almond?
Oh, yeah, you're done eating for the day.
Okay. And then let's go to Pinkberry.
Bye, sexy.
Look...
it's my dream to be a Spartan.
I want to fight for you, my king.
- What can you do? - Well- Mmm.
Have you seen my video?
I don't like the way you handle a spear.
You grip the shaft firmly.
Then with one hand on the base...
you slide the other all the way up to the tip.
That's hot.
I'm sorry, but we cannot use you.
No!
It's not fair!
Mom!
You'll be sorry! You're making a terrible mistake!
I'm not as stupid as I look!
Help.
Look! Persians!
I am the emissary to the great god-king Xerxes...
come to accept your surrender.
Oh, we're not here to surrender.
Haawoo!
Xerxes will enjoy making you his slaves.
Ow.
Spartans!
Yah!
Let's battle!
Oh, we about to stomp the yard.
SPARTANS We are the Spartans.
We stomp the yard.
Check out our buns.
They are rock hard.
Ooh, ooh.
Spartans!
Yeah!
Persians!
Let's show 'em why we're national champs...
three years runnin'.
You dig?
Oh, come on.
We like wearing turbans and eating baklava.
We like chicks with burkas...
that cover their ta-tas.
Ooh, ah! Ooh, ah!
Persians, huh!
You're joking, right?
Man, come on.
- #You gotta shake your ass # - Let's go!
# Shake your tambourine #
# Go and get yourself a whistle, shake your tambourine #
# Go and get yourself a whistle #
# Shake your tambourine... #
# Ladies! #
# Shake your tambourine... #
- # Ladies! # - # Shake your tambourine... #
# Shake, shake, shake, shake #
# Shake your tambourine... #
# Ladies and gentlemen #
# E-V-E come through in the Mazarat' #
# Doin' it big like I live in the Taj Mahal... #
Yeah!
#That's real, been the chick that they talked about #
# "God damn" is the words that come out they mouth... #
Oh-
#Ask for her #
#Yeah, she back and cakin' out #
- # Ladies! # - # Shake your tambourine... #
Oh, please, take a hike.
# Shake your tambourine, go and get yourself a whistle #
#They be watchin' while we wiggle around Look at 'em droolin' #
# Niggas ain't used to this sound I keep 'em movin' #
# Put your hands in the air It's all right now #
#We gonna keep you up on your feet the whole night #
# Now pop them bottles Yeah, drink that up #
Yeah!
# Get low, get low, then pick up, pick up, get your #
# Hands in the air, it's a stick up, stick up #
# Shake your tambourine... #
# Shake it to the floor, gotta love dat #
# How she keep it going on, gotta love dat #
#To the beat like a pro, know you love dat #
Oh!
Don't come up in my kitchen...
with that weak-ass shit.
#You gotta shake your ass #
# Shake your tambourine, go and get yourself a whistle and #
# Shake your tambourine... #
# Shake your tambourine, go and get yourself a whistle and #
Eee! Ooh!
You got served!
You telling me we lost?
Dance them to the cliffs!
No mercy!
Come on, man, can we talk about this?
Yo, I just met these dudes right here.
I don't even know them.
Onward! Keep dancing, boys!
- Last one in is a rotten egg! - Cannonball!
Marco!
Polo!
Hyah!
We may have won the battle, but they will win the war!
Hyah! What?
Buttmeister presents...
"Real Men of Genius. "
# Real men of genius! #
Today we salute you...
Mr. Warmongering Latent Homosexual.
# Mr. Warmongering Latent Homosexual! #
Wearing nothing but leather underwear and a cape...
you charge your enemy like an oiled-up hairless wonder.
# Spray-on tan! #
Sure, there's danger-
charging rhinos, stampeding elephants...
and that cute toga-wearing guy named Chad.
# Ooh! #
You only went out on one date...
but you'll remember it...
Forever, forever...
#Take your daily Valtrex! #
Your keen instincts tell you to cut, slice and chop...
every man you see.
But enough about your career as a hair stylist...
let's talk war.
# Ow! That curling iron is hot! #
So this Butt's for you, King Leonidas...
because when the going gets tough...
the tough go antiquing.
# Mr. Warmongering Latent Homosexual... #
#Yeah. #
Queen Margo...
we must speak.
Loyalist, what do you want?
Nice tomatoes.
Your husband needs you.
You must convince the council...
to send more troops to support your husband.
My husband is dead.
He told me to move on.
Besides, I'm already registered on J Date.
A little to the right.
That's it.
If Leonidas fails, Xerxes will take over...
and you will be stripped of your crown.
I won't be queen?
Ow! That's too hard.
You will lose everything.
Ow! Ooh, stop.
Your palace, your Mercedes...
Hi-yah!
- Ow! ... your Nintendo Wii...
No, no, no, no, no.
Ow!
...your vaginal regeneration surgeon...
Hi... yah!
...your gardener.
Antonio?
My husband needs me.
I'll do whatever it takes.
I will set...
the meeting with the council.
But in order to win their vote...
you will need to get Traitoro's support.
He holds great influence...
with the council.
There better be a happy ending.
King Leonidas!
Xerxes approaches.
Xerxes.
He looked a lot like that fat guy from Borat.
I am the great god-king Xerxes.
Ooh!
Ow, ow, ow!
Not again! That always happens.
Ow!
Whew!
Damn!
- Oh, s-sorry, Xerxes. - It's cool.
It's cool, cool. I'm fine.
I meant to do that.
Oh, shit!
I'll tell you, kid, you got balls.
I come over here with a big army.
We going to shish kebab your ass.
Before this battle is over...
people will know...
that even a god-king can fall.
Listen, Leo, I came here to talk.
Just listen to my deal.
Ladies!
Hi, Xerxes.
Ah, that's probably for me.
Hello?
Really?
Okay.
That was the banker.
He's offering...
to buy back your briefcase...
for a weekend getaway for two...
in Las Vegas, Nevada...
at the Palms Hotel and Casino!
Ooh...
I've always wanted to go there!
All you have to do is bow down to me...
...and surrender Sparta.
Deal...
or no deal?
- Deal! - Deal! - Take it!
Take the deal!
You think I should? No!
- Take the deal! - It's simple.
- Take the deal! - Come on!
What about Sparta?
- Hit the button! - Come on!
Take the deal! Take it!
- Take it! - Take the deal!
Hit the button!
Take it!
No deal!
Oh, great!
By the time I'm finished with you...
Sparta will be annihilated.
It will be as though you never existed.
I will see to it that you are...
written out of the history books.
Well, that's fine by me, Xerxes...
because I can't read.
Xerxes didn't take rejection well.
From every corner ofhis empire...
he sent his most vicious warriors to fight.
Yo mama's so ghetto, when she breast-feeds...
Kool-Aid comes out!
Yo mama's so stupid, she thought Tupac Shakur...
was a Jewish holiday!
Get her, Dilio!
Yo mama's so fat, her pants size is, um, um, um...
"Bitch, lose some weight"!
Your mama's so butch...
Rosie O'Donnell wouldn't even date her.
Uh-uh! No, you didn't! No, you didn't!
- Whoa! - No, you didn't!
Well, yo mama titties is smaller than yours.
Bounce some D's on that bitch!
Your mama's so fat, Sir Mix-A-lot decided...
he doesn't like big butts!
And he ain't lyin'! Kiss that!
Oh! Ow!
Oh, my eyes!
Oh! Oh!
Walk it off.
- How you like that, huh? - Sit down.
Yo, yo mama's so fat, that when she farts...
Al Gore accuses her of global warming, dawg.
Whew!
Cranking it up!
Yes, well, that may be the case, but your mama's so hairy...
the only language she speaks...
is Wookiee!
Oh!
That's it!
Well, yo mama-
Yo ma-
Yes!
Bye-bye!
Back to the hood!
Xerxes watched as his warriors were defeated.
It sent an all-too-human chill up his spine.
Or perhaps that was the Dentyne Ice...
with cool mint crystals.
Loyalist said you wanted to see me.
That's my urine sample.
Tastes like asparagus.
Leonidas needs more troops.
Without reinforcements, Sparta will fall and-
I'll do anything...
For my husband.
Anything?
Awesome!
I'm so getting laid!
Good-bye, virginity.
I promise you, you're not going to enjoy this.
But I suffer from premature eja-
Oh-
Mmm.
It's okay; I have crabs.
Ooh-
Betray your beloved Spartans-
Nice.
And I will give you anything you desire.
That's hot.
Bow down to me.
Bow down to the great god-king...
Xerxes.
I'm a Hilton.
I don't bow.
But I do bend over.
Ah, good.
There's a secret goat path into the Hot Gates.
You could totally use it to defeat Leonidas.
Ah-
And what do you desire?
I want my record expunged.
Oh, and I want that new Chanel purse.
Thank you.
I want throwing up to be fun.
You got something to say, say it- I got things to do.
What was it?
I can't remem-
Oh, God, geez, yeah.
I want to get this hump removed.
Mmm!
Will you please just do it? It's really heavy and really hard to keep clean.
Done.
Aah!
As long as Xerxes doesn't find...
the secret path to the Hot Gates...
...their vast numbers won't count for shit.
My king!
Catch your breath.
Vanilla blended.
What is it, boy?
Xerxes has found the secret goat path...
through the Hot Gates.
Aw, shit!
Damn that Paris Hilton.
I hate her.
He's deployed thousands of Persian soldiers...
that'll be here any minute.
Dilio...
how bad are your injuries?
Oh, it's, uh- it's just a scratch, my king.
You've got no eyes.
The gods blessed me with a spare.
No, they haven't.
You just had the two.
Jeremy has the spare.
I can still fight!
Whoa! No!
Dilio! Dilio!
Di- Dilio! Dilio! Dilio.
Walk with me.
No. No. No.
Your fate is the most important.
You must go back to Sparta...
and tell of our tale.
Yes, my king.
Any message for the queen?
None that need be said.
Now go, Dilio.
Tell how 13 Spartans fought for honor...
for glory... for freedom!
Good luck, Dilio.
Spartans!
This is your final chance.
Bow down to me or you will die.
I bow for no man!
Take a knee.
No!
- Curtsey. - Enough!
Well, your sandal is untied.
Oh... thanks very much.
See? Was that that difficult?
- No, wait, no! - Ah-tah-tah-tah-tah-
- No, I wasn't bowing. - No, no, no.
I was just doing my shoe!
No, you acknowledged me as your god-king.
High-five!
Ooh.
What?
What-What-What the hell is so funny?
- You! - Me?
You greet like women.
You idiots are wearing banana hammocks...
and you're laughing at me?
Now you're pissing me off.
I'm getting everybody.
Hello. Where you at?
I know where I'm at.
Bring in my vast army.
You 13...
putz are no match...
for my massive Persian army.
They number in the millions!
That's just a blue screen.
Stupid.
It's a visual effect.
It's going to be digitally inserted later.
And the army is quite impressive, as you can imagine.
Gentlemen, may I present...
Queen Margo.
Come on, baby. I'm gettin' a chubby.
Boner alert. Boner alert.
Okay, boys, make it rain!
# Do the D-A-N-C-E, 1-2-3-4 fight #
# Stick to the B-E-A-T, get ready to ignite #
#You were such a P-Y-T, catching all the light #
#Just easy as A-B-C, that's how you make it right... #
Good councilmen...
I implore you.
Your king, my dear husband, needs your help.
Sparta will fall...
if you don't agree to send the rest of our army.
Gentlemen, our only hope for survival...
is to surrender to Xerxes and beg for his forgiveness.
Do not be swayed by the words of this common prick-tease...
with crabs all up in her coochie.
Ooh-
Oh, no, you didn't.
Yes. Yes, I did.
Queen Margo unleashed a venomous rage...
...much like Tobey Maguire in Spider-Man 3.
I'm evil.
Made of sand.
Ohh!
Oh, no.
Ooh!
Oh... cute.
Gross.
What is it?
Oh! Oh!
Oh, God! Oh! Oh, my God.
How you like me now, Sandman?
Oh, no.
Dust-busting bitch! No!
No!
Ah-
Well, tickle my nipples with a feather.
Xerxes is in Traitoro's top five.
Grumble, grumble, grumble-
Traitoro was a... traitor?
Duh!
All in favor...
of sending more troops... say aye.
Aye! Aye! Aye! Aye! Aye! Aye! Aye! Aye-
Spartans!
We have you surrounded.
Lay down your weapons!
Come and get them!
Formation!
Um-
A Spartan always protects another man's rear.
Adjust your sword, boy.
It's digging into my back.
But I'm not wearing my sword.
Carry on then.
My son.
Today... you are truly a Spartan.
Thanks, Father.
Attack!
Steady, Spartans!
Remember this day, boys!
For today is the day you die!
- Huh? - What? Huh?
What?
L- I mean they die.
Today's the day they die- that's what I meant to say.
Go!
Oh, what a bunch of dumb shits.
God, that smarts.
I am gonna go Hercules on your ass!
Ghost Rider!
You're going to hell.
Stop, drop and roll!
Yo!
No!
Yo, Sonio.
I'm gonna knock your block off.
Oh, shit.
Sonio!
You'll pay for this, Balboa.
Go for it.
Adult diapers?
Botox... overdose.
Yes!
Yeah!
Yes!
Xerxes!
It's a- a beautiful death.
It's actually not that attractive.
# I'm a Barbie girl #
# In the Barbie world #
# Life in plastic, it's fantastic #
# Come on, Barbie, let's go party! #
#Ah-ah-ah-yeah #
# Come on, Barbie, let's go party #
Shit!
Enough of this gratuitous video game violence!
Waah!
Ah-
Aha!
A Transformer cube!
Okay, baby, let's transform.
I... am Xerxestron...
equipped with advanced alien technology.
Leave Britney alone!
He is a god-king.
Please-
Leave her alone!
She's a human!
Oh, oh, ain't that a bitch.
Leonidas was true to his word.
A god-king did fall.
But unfortunately, right on them.
I- I- I just-
Oh-
Ooh.
Queen Margo.
- Yeah. - Oh.
Leonidas and the Spartans...
died for honor...
for glory.
They died a beautiful death.
Today... we stand against 30,000 Persians.
But we now have 100,000 soldiers!
Ah-ooh! Ah-ooh! Ah-ooh!
To victory!
Ah.
Follow me, boys.
I don't know.
And thus, Dilio blindly led the Spartans...
Away from the Persians...
To Malibu...
just as Lindsay Lohan was leaving rehab... again.
#At first I was afraid #
# I was petrified #
# Kept thinking I could never live without you by my side #
# But then I spent so many nights #
#Thinking how you did me wrong #
#And I grew strong #
#And I learned how to get along #
#And so you're back #
# From outer space #
# I just walked in to find you here #
#With that sad look upon your face #
# I should have changed my stupid lock #
# I should have made you leave your key #
# If I had known for just one second #
#You'd be back to bother me #
# Go on, now go #
#Walk out the door #
#Just turn around now #
# 'Cause you're not welcome anymore #
#Weren't you the one #
#Who tried to hurt me with good-bye? #
# Did you think I'd crumble? #
# Did you think I'd lay down and die? #
# Oh, no, not I #
# I will survive #
# Oh, as long as I know how to love #
# I know I'll stay alive #
# I've got all my life to live #
# I've got all my love to give #
#And I'll survive #
# I will survive #
# Hey, hey #
Whassup, dawg?!
# Ha-ha! It took all the strength I had #
# Not to fall apart, dawg! #
# Kept trying hard to mend the pieces of my broken heart #
#And I spent, oh, so many nights #
#Just feeling sorry for myself #
# I used to cry #
# But now I hold my head up high #
#And you see me #
# Somebody new #
# I'm not that chained-up little person #
# Still in love with you #
That's "Britney," bitch.
#And so you felt like dropping in #
#And just expect me to be free #
# Now I'm saving all my lovin' #
# For someone who's lovin' me #
# Go, come on, now, uh! #
# Britney's in the house, where my babies at? #
#Ah, like this #
# Go, now, go #
#Walk out the door #
#Just turn around now #
# 'Cause you're not welcome anymore #
#Weren't you the one #
#Who tried to hurt me with good-bye? #
# Did you think I'd crumble? #
# Did you think I'd lay down and die? #
# Oh, no, not I #
# I will survive #
# Oh, as long as I know how to love #
# I know I'll stay alive #
# I've got all my life to live #
# I've got all my love to give #
- #And I'll survive # - That's right, dawg!
# I will survive #
# Hey, hey! #
# Hey, yo #
#When I wake up moaning, yawning #
# I put up my hands #
#Thank the Lord for what I got #
#And never stop my plans #
# Giving all for the goals #
# Got to keep it up, never let my head drop #
# Make me a home on my own #
# Better make the bed rock #
#A place for the dog, a garage, a yard to play around #
# Kitchen for missus #
# She be fixing them biscuits golden brown #
# Got me a shorty and some kids, just like a family should #
# Made it through changes, that's how I live #
#And now it's all good #
# You gonna breathe now #
# It's all how you bounce back #
# How you bounce back #
# It's all how you bounce back #
# You gonna breathe now #
# It's all how you bounce back #
- # How you bounce back, how you bounce back # - # Hey, hey #
# You gonna breathe now #
# It's all how you bounce back #
# How you bounce back #
# It's all how you bounce back #
# You gonna breathe now #
# It's all how you bounce back #
- # How you bounce back, how you bounce back # - # Hey, hey #
# Super-classic-play-a-listic homie, I'm the dopest #
# If you close your eyes and miss it #
#Ask me why I wrote this #
# I have come so very far to make this here my home #
# So if you thinking otherwise, I guess you thinkin' wrong #
#All it takes is all I got, a little bit of try #
#And if you make my babies cry, I'll bust you in your eye #
# Gonna put in work, gonna make it happen #
#Ain't no way you could tie me up #
# 'Cause I hocus-pocus, keep your focus #
#Then you know this, that's what's up #
# You gonna breathe now #
# It's all how you bounce back #
# How you bounce back #
# It's all how you bounce back #
# You gonna breathe now #
# It's all how you bounce back #
# How you bounce back #
# It's all how you bounce back. #
As the Spartans kicked major ass...
even Leonidas believed...
victory was theirs.
Victory is ours, boys!
Ah-ooh!
Let's celebrate!
For tonight, we dine...
at Hooter's!
Hoo!
Eat from them...
everything!
And tip them...
nothing!
Yeah! Yeah!
It's Two-fer Tuesday.
Yeah!
Come on! - No! Whoa!
Oh, isn't that sweet.
Oh! Oh-
Oh- Oh-
That's my boy.
Where do you think you're going?
- Aah! - You little pussy.
No! No!
That's it.
Yay.
If you can dodge a golf ball, you can dodge a sword.
Ha! You missed.
Ow!
He can outflank us now, my king.
Men!
We are facing certain death.
Cherries.
But...
the joke's on them, because they don't know...
that dying in battle is the greatest honor...
for any Spartan!
Ah-hoo.
God, that's a shitty plan.
Look, Leonidas...
war is not the answer. Heh-heh.
Trust me, I know.
No! War is the answer!
Where am I?
Spidey, you're fired.
ELLEN DeGENERES: Hi. How are you, Leonidas?
Ellen.
Listen, I don't know why you're so upset.
You look great. You know, the cape is great.
Love the... diaper.
I- I'd wear something very similar...
for Portia on Friday nights.
We get frisky.
Hello, Leonidas.
Wow, is it hot in here?
Okay, Portia, Portia, women, women, women.
Women, you like women.
I can see by your-
your reaction, you're not amused.
It's the same reaction anyone who went to see Mr. Wrong had.
Uh, let's play a game- maybe we could play a game.
How about "Who Sneezed?"
It's a real easy game.
We close our eyes and someone sneezes...
and you guess who.
If it was you, you win- 'cause obviously, you know.
Listen, chill out.
Let's just dance, shall we? Come on.
That's right. Oh, boy.
Okay.
There you go, you're getting the hang of it.
- You know, back and forth- - No, I can't do this!
Yo mama's so ugly, if she was...
on the Spice Girls, her name would be...
Dookie Spice!
Doo-doo!
Leonidas.
You should try Scientology.
I'm gonna set Katie free.
Yes!
I had to buy a million and one glitters...
with my own money, and I had to buy-
I put them on by hand, Simon...
and my reputation is all I have, and for you to sit here...
telling me that I'm not intennigent-
inte- that I'm not intenni-
- Let me start over. - Intelligent. Yeah.
- Hang on. - Intelligent. Yeah.
I looked everywhere.
Don't you hate when you're on an airplane, you know...
and the captain's, like, "If you look out the window...
to your left, you're gonna see another plane"?
Am I right? See what I'm talking about?
Another plane? Right?
Don't you hate when you're in the supermarket...
you know, and you're in aisle three.
And, like, "Clean up on aisle three. "
You know? And you're, like, "What am I doing here?"
I'm in aisle three, huh? Right?
You're all my fans, right? You all love me, right?
Who saw Employee of the Month?
Okay, that's cool.
Right? Yeah, what's up, Leonidas?
Super fingers to you.
No.
Super fingers...
to you, Dane Cook!
This is a metaphor for my career.
You're off my MySpace page.
I'm really 42.
Sorry, I didn't hear what you said...
Because I can't understand you...
'cause you talk like this.
Your mama's such an old sloppy drunk...
I thought she was David Hasselhoff.
Yeah!
From Knight Rider.
Dinaladas, do-
Dot- Dingalidas, Dingalidas...
Dingledangle, do...
leg squats, and then you will be a star...
you will be a star.
The last episode of Sopranos was most disappointing.
I mean, did Tony get whacked or live or what?
What happens in Vegas...
stays in Vegas.
You just-You keep doing the thing you do...
'cause... the do is thing you do.
# Hey, DJ, turn me out #
#You gotta keep me movin' till the moon goes down #
# If you want to show me, get below me #
# Shake your thing till you don't feel lonely #
# Hey, mister, break it down #
#You're a B-Boy that nearly hit the ground #
#You could play it real cool, act the old school #
#Jump around until your act is so cool #
# Clap your hands if you're feelin' me #
# One to the two, two to the three #
# Clap your hands if you're in the mix #
# Four to the five, five to the six #
# Hey, DJ, turn me out #
#You gotta keep me movin' till the moon goes down #
# If you want to show me, get below me #
# Shake your thing till you don't feel lonely #
# Hey, mister, break it down #
#You're a B-Boy that nearly hit the ground #
#You could play it real cool, act the old school #
#Jump around until your act is so cool. #
When you're pushed, killing's as easy as...
Dancin'. Ri